The news that all Roger Federer fans have been dreading has finally hit us like a bullet. The Swiss Maestro has announced his retirement from professional tennis.
This sad news was confirmed by Federer himself in an exclusive phone call to us, as he says we are his favorite tennis website in the entire world. He also told us that he might release a statement to the press, but probably not because everyone would figure it out eventually.
Anywhoo… Federer did not go into much detail of his decision, only saying that the lengthy quarantine period gave him a lot of time to reflect on his accomplishments thus far and to re-prioritize his life.
We all can agree that Federer has had a fantastic run and set records that will never be broken. Well, aside from his last injury, he said that being sequestered at home has made him realize just how much he loves waking up late and wearing pajamas all day, staying up late and binge-watching Netflix, and eating tons and tons of junk food (especially crunchy Cheetos dipped in vanilla ice cream and Mega Stuff Oreos) all of which was previously forbidden by his strict training.
On the bright side, though a total lack of exercise and eating too much crap has caused him to gain significant weight, Federer he says he doesn’t mind because Weight Watchers for Men is going to pay him 500M to go on their program and lose it and be their spokesman.
But, there was one piece of information that proved to be the most interesting of all… which is, of course, that we are joking, as it’s April Fool’s Day!
Don’t worry y’all… Roger Federer isn’t going nowhere. Our beloved GOAT will be there for us for years, and there’s nothing that any pandemic can do about it!